Monday, December 9, 2013

A Little Rant About Wedding Planning...

If you want to have ANY recollection of your wedding, you are LEGALLY REQUIRED to hire a professional photographer for the perfectly reasonable price of one year's salary and the blood of your first born child.  You must instruct this person to snap artful photos of your wedding bands stacked strategically on one of your wedding invitations, or maybe a shot of the couple smiling at each other with that knowing look that means, "We'll have to put up with each other's farts for the rest of our lives."  Your friends are not to be trusted with cameras.  Your friends are either clumsy idiots or evil masterminds determined to ruin your wedding.  If you fail to hire a photographer, you will be immediately roofied after the reception and will wake up in a Mexican jail with your marriage license torn to bits and sprinkled like confetti into your hair.  Your granchildren's children will shake their fists at you for not leaving them any BEAUTIFUL wedding photos to look at and they will doubt that you are even related.  I, for one, have looked at my parents' wedding album every night since I was born and have wept over the photographer's brilliant artwork.  In fact, the walls at my grandparents' house were neither painted nor covered in wallpaper but were instead giant prints of their professionally-'graphed wedding photos.  DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE AMOUNT YOU CARE ABOUT SOMETHING IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO HOW MUCH MONEY YOU SPEND ON IT!??

This pretty much describes all of my wedding planning experience in the last two months.  The end.